Squirting a lemon in your eyes

After complaining about my own communication style to a friend, she wrote to me to say "You know that phrase 'when given lemons you make lemonade'?" She said that when I'm given lemons, I don't try to make lemonade, instead, "I cut them in half and squirt the juice in other people's eyes." I couldn't help but think this was a brilliant observation of me. I still laugh at the thought today. It's only funny because it's so regrettably true.

Sometimes I feel like an Ogre:

I am Ogre

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. There is no one there to share with you. This place is lonely and it is desolate. You will not find an ally and your only comfort will be your inner voice of defiance. Difference, even in a world of difference, is threatening. It is repulsive to some. It is contemptible to others.

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. It is here where my soul is. This is the essence of me. Repugnant to some, yes. Derisive to others, yes. Inspiring and true to the one, the only one, my inner voice.

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. It is here that you will find yourself. The child, the man, the human in all your simplicity. A puzzle to no one. No illusions, no misunderstandings.

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. You don’t belong on the “Wrong Planet” and you don’t belong on a Hub. You don’t belong to the masses and you don’t belong to the Group. You stand-alone and you take a stand by yourself. You’re neither High nor Low. You are who you are. A man taking a stand by yourself.

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. Your worth should not be determined on how closely you can approximate neurotypical communication. Your worth should not be determined by how well you mimic a Savant behind a body that will not listen. No, for you, you have to stand up by yourself. Because, sometimes, you have to stand up by yourself because no one else will.

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. Perhaps because you come to where you are from somewhere not typical. Perhaps you started somewhere that took you somewhere you didn’t anticipate. Perhaps on your journey, there was a detour someone directed you to. Perhaps this detour revealed you are someone you didn’t know. Perhaps you can’t take back the years you lived as someone you weren’t. Though you struggled mightily, you never belonged and it took someone else to wake you up from your slumber of delusion. You knew all along but were reassured that you were someone you weren’t by those that never knew you because you hid you. You didn’t stand up by yourself for years. The signs were there all along, but you couldn’t put the pattern together, instead blaming yourself while the small voice of defiance spoke to you saying “I’m here, when will you listen”.

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. When you do, expect to be called a creep, a weirdo. Perhaps a clown. Even in a group that invites you. You may not fit the typical of a person “with difference”. You belong to no group. You don’t belong. You never will. You will forever be the creep and the weirdo.

Sometimes you have to stand up by yourself. This is the place for me. Alone, because it’s my life. It’s my life. I'm sorry if I squirt a little lemon juice in your eyes.

Comments

[abfh]

When I saw the title, I was afraid this post was going to be another story about an autistic child being abused by means of behavioral aversives. I'm glad it wasn't!

And yes, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. However, I don't agree that this necessarily means you have to resign yourself to forever being the creep and the weirdo. The way I see it, I'm going to keep on kicking society's ass until it gains a healthy appreciation for diversity and stops putting people into the creep and weirdo category just because they look different.

[Maddy]

Better an ogre than a Barbie doll clone, better colour choice too.
Cheers

[Ed]

Inspiring post.

I'm thinking some days I'd like to juice an entire lemon orchard, fill a swimming pool with that juice (not lemon-aid but lemon juice that is not watered down and with no sugar added), stand ALL ALONE on the top of the empire state building carrying a high pressured hose filled with the sourest of all lemons, pull my soiled hat over one eye, put a small cigar between my teeth and out the corner of my mouth, through my clinched teeth whisper "make my day".

[jd]

Dear CS,

I have yet to meet the day that I don't relate to you, even if I'm ever unsure if I agree. There are alot of things that were apparent to me about autism and people's attitudes and approaches that I felt the need to say something about before I realized there were people talking about them. Your openness about your own humanity and difficulties in facing many challenges are very helpful for me. I'm motivated by what I see is vital and important, but I know that many people's receptivity are limited by many things. I keep revising innumerable ways of expressing what we can aspire to and how to present these things, let alone how to deal with feedback. So, just witnessing your journey and successes reiterates to me what I'm trying to synthesize. Thanks for all the work you do.

Even the lemons!

[Phil Schwarz]

"Im ein ani li, mi li?
V'im ani l'atzmi, mah ani?
V'im lo achshav, eimatai, eimatai?"

("If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when, when?")

-- Hillel the Elder, the great 1st century BCE Jewish sage (born in what is now Iraq), whose teachings were not only the basis for the major school of Talmudic thought through the next seven centuries, but also the basis for the teachings of Jesus.

You are not alone, CS.
-- Phil

[Club 166]

Well, you are alone, just as each one of us is alone. We come into this world alone, and we leave it alone.

But you are also together with many different people. It's just that you are not always with the same group of people at any one time, and you might not always notice the other people you are with. But with them you are.

You're doing fine, and are much appreciated, even when you think you are alone.

Joe

[Club 166]

Well, you are alone, just as each one of us is alone. We come into this world alone, and we leave it alone.

But you are also together with many different people. It's just that you are not always with the same group of people at any one time, and you might not always notice the other people you are with. But with them you are.

You're doing fine, and are much appreciated, even when you think you are alone.

Joe

[LeaEdinburgh]

Could it be that we are all alone in some ways but that some of us are more sensitive and reflective about this? I mean if I see a group of noisy girls on a hen’s night (typical Saturday night scene in UK), flapping around as a group and stop one of them and ask, who are you? She may be able to identify herself as a part of a group but may not as a person. As a person she may be no one, and if you are no one, you don’t fully exist in the first place, what’s the reality of this? If she was given means to become reflective, she may come to realize that she does not fully match that group she appeared to belong to, and with her greater awareness find herself lonely…What I am trying to say, to feel lonely may be a default feeling attached to certain personality traits rather than a true relative reality.

I think your video is very inspiring, not just to women I mean, but also to anyone who needs to really be given more courage to stand for who they are.